Men have debated upon the topic of butt or boom man for centuries. Hell, even wars have been started over it. Remember Helen of Troy?
Either you and your buddies have debated on this topic for hours; your girlfriend asks which you prefer (quickly looking her up and down and reply with exactly what she has); or in my case, being prodded with the question by a manager who is trying to set up her college-age daughter.
My boss looks at me with lust in her eyes (or it could have been the lighting) and says "So are you more of a butt or boob man? 'Cause my daughter who plays volleyball (setting the mental image of short-shorts, I presume) is a lot like her momma, (imagine the biggest breasts' you've ever seen and times them by four) she's well endowed."
By telling me she was a lot like her momma I gathered that she was smuggling a small village in her sweater, but she really wanted to drive the point home about her "Z" cup. So I thought back to all the conversations in my life that had been relatively similar to this one, different circumstances of course, and gave the same honest response I always do: "I'm both."
Before you say anything, I’ve already heard it: You can’t be both! You really don’t like one more than the other? But you have to! I’m sorry; I’ve never been fully able to differentiate the value of one over the other. Before this starts to sound like I’m comparing automobiles or types of fruit, I’ll explain myself. Here, we’ll focus on the male fascination of the female Gluteus Maximus.
You see I love a great rear end. Whether it’s hiding under a pair of tight yoga pants (oh how I love me some yoga pants), slightly pushing out the backside of a sexy dress, or Sunday fun-day where a thong and a smile are the only dress code, a toned and curved derriere is a magical thing. What guy doesn’t like putting his hands in his girls back pockets and grabbing him some booty? Or while in the throws of love making, slapping or “pounding” the caboose just to watch it shake.
Yes, please! If your girl isn’t backside inclined I feel bad for you, son (Jay Z voice). I’ve had buddies who love small, petite buns. Good for them. One guy’s reasoning, let’s call him Chris, was simply that he feels his girl is sexy skinny and doesn’t enjoy the idea of any fat on his woman.
Douchie? Perhaps. I also took a female’s perspective, let’s call her Angela, that badonkadonk’s are gross. I disagreed but heard her out anyway. She says there is nothing sexy about the crack you sit on and shit out of. True, that description makes butts in general sound less appealing, but I then took a quick peek at where her apple-bottom should have been, and only saw a cutting board.
Maybe she was envious of women who are blessed with butt cleavage, or she could be one of those super determined chicks who hit the gym for two hours a day, six days a week and just do cardio to avoid curving it up. Either way, I’ll never know because her disregard for my appreciation of the fanny forced me to hastily exit the scene.
I will say from personal opinion and years of research, that depending on the situation, the humps value as I call it, (copyright pending) can waver in necessary value. Gentleman’s publications such as Playboy do not tend to put a lot of focus on the booty. Most of the models, gorgeous or airbrushed as they may be, are thin and therefore don’t carry a lot of junk in the trunk.
Maybe this is why they focus on the “T” and not the “A.” Or maybe Hef is more of a “T” man. I’d love to ask him. Someone get Playboy on the phone! So what the genius’ at Playboy are hoping for is that the more they show you of something, the more inclined you are to either like it or accept it.
And you know what, they’re right. I can look at a gorgeous centerfold, her lovely bosom, great teeth, perfect skin, hair, and tiny tush, and turn the page satisfied that she is for sure my future ex-wife without giving her money-maker a second thought.
Now take the same situation while out at a mall or any public place for that matter, and when I spot a pretty lady who could be Dakota Fanning’s butt double, a tiny tear falls from my eye. It’s something about clothing, and how the designer creates the look to accentuate the female figure or not that truly makes having or not having an ass stand out.
These days there are ways of getting around not being born with the fanny gene. I’m no longer able to get to the squat machine at the gym because of the line of ravenous rump shaker hungry ladies. Still, should she be squatting 225lbs? Get it girl! Skechers makes those hideous step-up shoes that correct posture while building muscle tone in your legs, butt, and thighs.
Hey, if it works for Joe Montana it will…never mind. The most go to solution for making that tambourine play is and will always be a woman wearing her favorite pair of high heels. Hell, that’s what they’re made for. Ask any woman, heels have to be designed by a man ‘cause they make almost any ass look great while killing her feet. You’re welcome.
Before I go any further there is one minor detail that needs to be addressed. Bigger isn’t always better. The same can be said of breasts, more on that in the next article. Of course not all men feel this way, and that’s great. Take a look at Kim Kardashian. She always had a trolley car backside, and it was pretty phenomenal. But right before she became preggers it began to get a little out of hand; thanks for ruining that as well Kanye.
I can only imagine now that those two Christmas hams look like a shooting range for paintball guns (ie. dimpled and beat), and that’s not good for anyone. If you’ve got more cheese than a Kraft factory it might be time to tone it up, ladies. Even a master truck driver can’t handle an out of control dump truck. Ya’ feel me?
By now you’re probably saying, wow Mike, you’re a female butt connoisseur. And I just might be. But I am only one of many. Men of different races, creeds, and religions have debated over coolies for tens of thousands of years; countries have even gone to war over them (remember Helen of Troy).
Why? Because science has yet to figure out why men live and die by the tuckus. That certainly doesn’t mean they haven’t tried. Back in 1968 Wiggins et. al asked 95 college aged men which silhouette drawing they preferred with varying degrees of body types. FYI, these men each completed personality questionnaires and provided detailed background info.
"The men who preferred large buttocks were characterized by a need for order. Those who preferred the largest buttocks figure tend to be business majors and tend not to be psychologically minded. In social situations, they are dependent and given to self-abasement (self-deprecating). Their value orientation tends not to be stoic in nature. On the other hand men who preferred small buttocks tend not to be self-abasing. They tend to persevere in the completion of their work and do not feel the need to be the center of attention. As a group they tend not to be education majors and their reading interests do not include sports magazines."
Damn! I’m not so sure how I feel about these results. I mean over forty years have since passed and no other major studies have been conducted. Through high school and college education we’ve all heard bits and piece about how in early the primitive era, flat bottoms would become enlarged (due to blood flow) during mating.
Basically, the enlarged female rear gave the male primate the signal that it was time to dip the noodle. Smart. In today’s age, both men and women are pretty much always ready to “get down.” So besides the fact that a female's bottom acts as a storage container for fat cells in times of limited food supply and aids in breastfeeding, it still “brings all the boys to yard” when looking for a potential partner.
Like the old saying says, there’s an ass out there for everyone. That is the saying, right? One thing is for sure, though, the one I choose will look bootylicious in a pair of yoga pants!